Interview with a Studio Assistant

Good Morning, all! I heard a rumour that people had been asking a lot of questions about me.  I thought I might give an interview, just to make sure the rumours don't get out of hand...

Lizzie: How old are you now, Sherlock?

Sherlock: Ah, now then, it depends who you ask.  The Man I Use to Own said I was born in Winter 1997.  His Mate said it was Early 1998.  Either way, that makes me 12 years old.  However, the Vet has me listed as 11 years and doesn't seem to want to change that.  I don't mind. 11 is still young, isn't it?

L: It certainly is quite young. Why did you come to live here? Didn't you live in the house next door?

S: Well, it was those Kittens, you see... the MIUO got a Mate and then she produced this small, pink, kitten.  Human Kittens are quite awful, you know... pink and naked. Then they smell bad and make so much noise. And MIUO's Mate was too busy to feed me properly and MIUO didn't have time for me - we used to be such buddies.  I felt so left out, so I lived in the garden.  Sometimes I visited the House Next Door, where there were other cats to talk to. A chap needs to socialise, you know.  

Then, just as it was settling down and the Human Kitten had learned to treat me with respect, along came HK no.2.  It was even louder than HK no.1 and kept crawling around and chasing me, pulling my tail - I ask you!. 

Of course, you Humans had moved into this house.  I thought it would be a good plan to move there too, seeing as you were obviously easy to train and your Kitten was an age where he would learn to be Respectful.

L: So, do you prefer it here?

S: I get much better service here.  Human no. 1 is my Best Friend and the Kitten, Human no.2,  is very friendly, but in a respectful and kindly way. I don't mind him at all. I suppose you're not so bad yourself, Human no.3, - after all, you do give me good meals. I just wish you would allow me more say in the running of the household - it would all run so much more smoothly if I was in charge all the time.

L: Yes, perhaps it would. You are a very good Studio Assistant.  You seem to have a lot of Jobs in the household. Don't you find it all a bit much sometimes?

S: Well, yes, I have had to take you all in hand.  There are a number of roles that simply had to be filled.  I was available - who better?  Recently though, I admit that I've been feeling a touch off colour.  Sick and really so tired.  This new role of Studio Assistant has suited me down to the ground.  I can sit in my Special Chair and supervise. But of course, you don't always need my direct attention, so I can nap from time to time. I just need to wake up and check on you - you're quite well motivated when you're in the Studio. Not like everywhere else in the house.  You really should get a more regular cleaner, you know - you're no good at it yourself.

L: Do you feel better since you started seeing the Vet regularly?

S: Ah, that Vet place. I see that one must go there, but I really wish it wasn't necessary.  Couldn't that Adele person come here? Or the Sally one? Can't they use one of those car things, like you have? We can travel there, but it makes so much more sense to ask them to visit me at my house.  No messing around with boxes and long waits.. no dogs either.

At least they pay me sufficient attention, though they're not always as Respectful as I might like.  Sticking needles in a chap, I ask you! 

Since you ask though, yes thank you, I do feel much better.  It must be those Snacks that Human no.2 gives me in the mornings now.  Or perhaps those new meals you have found for me - they are much nicer than the old ones.  Makes me feel quite peppy in the morning, a good chase round the kitchen after those little snacks - slippery little beggars they are - then a decent bit of breakfast.  Of course, the morning nap in the Studio always helps. A chap has to conserve his energy, you know.

L: I am so glad you are feeling better now.  Which of your jobs do you like best?

S: I prefer to call them Roles.  I do enjoy supervising Human no.1 in his Study room.  He treats me with such Respect and Deference. It's a pleasure to be in his company. For a Human, he really is a jolly nice chap, you know. 

Of course, I rather enjoy the new Studio Assistant role.  I think I may need to upgrade it soon, to Studio Manager. There is much that needs to be organised and tidied up.  Clearly you are incapable of keeping the place tidy on your own. You would benefit greatly from a bit more Supervision. Oh, and another Human helper, as I said before. You really should organise it. Can't think why you don't. Too Lazy I suppose...

L: Thank you, that might help me a lot.  Do you enjoy being with J? He loves your company.

S: Well, that is how it should be, I suppose. But, yes, I do enjoy my role as Kitten Carer.  He doesn't need much supervision, though he suffers from your untidiness affliction.  A chap can only do so much with paws, you know, and he's not very good at following instructions.  But he's kind and friendly enough. I do enjoy our little Diversions.  He has some good ideas for games, that Kitten of yours.  The water games are wonderful, and that mouse thing with the lovely smell... I do enjoy it when he plays with that.

L: Are you looking forward to the Spring time? This winter has been rather cold and long.

S: Well, Spring is always welcome.  I see the birds are getting out of hand again, out there on my Estate. I will be glad of some warmer weather, so I can sort them all out.  Really, there's far too much hopping about on the grass, eating my seed supply (though why they would want it and why you think I want it is a bit beyond me. Still you're only a Human. Not very bright really....). It will be lovely to have some sunshine too. I enjoy a bit of sunshine - chap's got to toast his tummy eh?

L: Well, it's nearly lunch time now, so I think we should conclude our interview there.  Thank you for your time and thanks for volunteering to help me tidy my Studio. I really appreciate it.

S: That's what I like about living Here. I get proper Respect. Did you mention lunch, Human no.3? I wouldn't mind a little nibble of that soft yellowy stuff... what's it called, cheese, is it?  Yes, a little cheese would be rather pleasant. Do you have any?

L: I think there may be just a very little in the fridge. I saved it specially for you.

S: That's the ticket! Good girl! Really, you are quite easy to train. Not bad at all for a Human, not bad at all....